Salt Lake City, UT—Say goodbye to pant suits and purple hair, because the LDS church has just published a new hardline policy on feminism in the church. The policy reads in part, “You can identify as a feminist, you just can’t act on it.”
Since a similar policy towards homosexuals proved highly successful, the church has decided to use the same tactic to try and stem the rising tide of feminism in the church.
“The policy is simple and beautiful,” explains Elder M. Russell Ballard, “you can call yourself whatever you please; just no more ugly pant suits and no more monopolizing Sunday school lessons with monologues about Heavenly Mother or gender parity.”
Actions considered to be feminist for women include: “Not wearing dresses, dyeing hair unnatural colors (especially purple or red), having one’s head shorn, usurping authority over a man, praying to Heavenly Mother, reading anything written by Sonia Johnson, naming a daughter Emma, claiming Joseph Smith intended to give women the priesthood, calling on someone to give the prayer while your husband is present, giving a ‘blessing’ by the laying on of hands, complaining about your garments…” among other things.
Church discipline may be taken against women who are found guilty of feminist actions. The new policy concludes by stating, “God’s standard against feminism will never change.”