The Silver Plates has conducted a thorough investigation into all four candidates for the first black Apostleship. The following is a list of the positives and negatives for each:

Amos C. Brown

Positives: President Nelson is in love with him. Negatives: He’s not a member of the Church and is president of a black supremacist cult.

Kwaku El

Positives: Young and cool amongst the BYU crowd. Negatives: He’s a virgin.

Elder Peter M. Johnson

Lets face it… This is who they are going to pick.

Alex Boye

Positives: Has a British accent. Negatives: Has stolen millions of dollars worth of intellectual property from actual artists.