Manti, UT—An angel armed with an AR-15 and at least a dozen 30-round magazines appeared to President Russell M. Nelson in the temple last night. According to sources, President Nelson went to pray about the church’s exploding single adult population.
“You never would’ve had this problem if you continued polygamy like you were supposed to,” the angel scolded. “Now the church is overrun with feminists and beta males.”
The angel then insisted that polygamy be reinstated immediately.
“I know you think you’re cool because you’re sealed to Dantzel and Wendy,” the messenger added, “but you’re still a few wives short of a full magazine.”