San Francisco, CA—The LGBTEFG community has decided to cancel Charles Darwin and the theory of evolutionary biology after learning that natural selection could put their species out of existence. 

Sprinkles Starbright, a chick with a five o’clock shadow, says, “We can’t let the little humans in our communities be brainwashed by the hateful, homophobic theories of another dead white man.”

“True science doesn’t hate,” says Luna Joy, “and my truth is that natural selection hates queers, so it must be wrong.”