Teotihuacán, Mexico—History Channel experts have confirmed that the familiar Mayan calendar disk is actually an ancient Laminate artifact designed to predict the end of conservatism in the modern Church.

At least one prominent church leader—Boyd K. Packer, then President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles—had cracked the Mayan Code before the conservative church’s demise. President Packer repeatedly tried to warn the Church of the imminent danger in his conference talks, but was forced to do so in secret codes due to continual personal threats from time-traveling Gadiantons hell bent on keeping the secrets of the doomsday calendar hidden forever.

What President Packer failed to understand about the prophesy was that his death, as well as the death of fellow apostle L. Tom Perry, were the final events predicted on the calendar, thus marking the official end of Mormon conservatism. (It turns out that 2012 was just a miscalculation of the correct apocalypse year of 2015 due to historians forgetting to carry a one in their arithmetic.)

In one of his less guarded moments President Packer taught, “I have warned you before about the evils of playing cards, but there is a far greater evil in this world. I’m speaking of the homosexuals, the intellectuals and the feminists. They must not be allowed to take the helm of this great Church, or all that we have heretofore accomplished will be come to naught. Beware! The Serpent is in the Garden.”

Experts believe that President Packer’s reference to, “The Serpent,” was a part of the Mayan Code alluding to Quetzalcoatl, a Lamanite serpent god.