Provo, Utah—If you haven’t been living under a rock, you know that the popular thing to do now-a-days is to pander to black people. President Kevin J. Worthen and the entire BYU administration has unveiled a plan that aims to turn Brigham Young University, that’s BRIGHAM YOUNG University, into a Canaanite paradise. (Wait… do they still like to be called Canaanites?) Here is a list of the first 10 things President Worthen plans to do to accomplish his goal:

  1. Offer fried chicken and Kool-Aid to incoming students. Don’t forget the watermelon!
  2. Rename the university Elijah Abel University. You know… the black guy who apparently got the priesthood, but no one really knows what the hell happened there.
  3. Never speak of Brigham Young again. Don’t forget how we got into this mess in the first place!
  4. Require courses to remind you that you’re a racist. Hey, it’s easy to forget.
  5. Change admission standards. The darker the skin the lower the bar… As usual, Asians will be getting the short end of the stick on this one.
  6. Abolish the Honor Code. Corn rows and afros now welcomed.
  7. Fire Kevin Worthen and give his job to a Black guy. Oh wait, Kevin Worthen was called to his job by God himself.
  8. Create a Narc Hotline to scare the racist sh*t out of White kids. Need we say more?
  9. Don’t hire any more honkies.
  10. Kill Whitey!