Provo, Utah—If you haven’t been living under a rock, you know that the popular thing to do now-a-days is to pander to black people. President Kevin J. Worthen and the entire BYU administration has unveiled a plan that aims to turn Brigham Young University, that’s BRIGHAM YOUNG University, into a Canaanite paradise. (Wait… do they still like to be called Canaanites?) Here is a list of the first 10 things President Worthen plans to do to accomplish his goal:
- Offer fried chicken and Kool-Aid to incoming students. Don’t forget the watermelon!
- Rename the university Elijah Abel University. You know… the black guy who apparently got the priesthood, but no one really knows what the hell happened there.
- Never speak of Brigham Young again. Don’t forget how we got into this mess in the first place!
- Require courses to remind you that you’re a racist. Hey, it’s easy to forget.
- Change admission standards. The darker the skin the lower the bar… As usual, Asians will be getting the short end of the stick on this one.
- Abolish the Honor Code. Corn rows and afros now welcomed.
- Fire Kevin Worthen and give his job to a Black guy. Oh wait, Kevin Worthen was called to his job by God himself.
- Create a Narc Hotline to scare the racist sh*t out of White kids. Need we say more?
- Don’t hire any more honkies.
- Kill Whitey!