Los Angeles, CA—Once famous extraterrestrial and resident of suburban Los Angeles, Gordon Shumway, whose friends call him Alf, is claiming to know the location of the planet Kolob. Apparently, Mr. Shumway first became aware of the significance of Kolob after watching reruns of Discussion on the Pearl of Great Price with Robert Millet and Joseph F. McConkie on BYUtv at 3 o’clock in the morning.

“I was desperate for something to watch after they cancelled reruns of both Golden Girls and Gilligan’s Island,” reports Mr. Shumway. “Next thing you know I’m listening to these old fossils talking about Kolob as if it were someplace special, ha!”

Mr. Shumway continued, “Anyway, I did some digging and found out the Mormon Church believes Kolob is some kind of governing planet. I immediately rang up Russell M. Nelson to set the record straight. Kolob isn’t a governing planet, it’s just a front for the real governing planet LV-426… I believe Sigourney Weaver has been there.”

When President Nelson asked Alf if he could locate Kolob, Alf reportedly told the church president, “Of course I can locate it! Who do you think I am, Jean B. Bingham? Kolob was just two planets down from my home planet Melmac. Anyone with two eyes could find it.”