Scientists have discovered a mask design that is totally 100% effective at preventing wearers from contracting SARS-CoV-2—the virus that causes COVID-19. Remarkably, the design is almost 400 years old.

“It is now clear,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, “that the so-called plague doctor masks were the single most important factor in flattening the curve of the Bubonic plague. They work. Period.”

Without asking anyone, Governor Gary Herbert of Utah has issued an order requiring all residents to wear plague doctor outfits when social distancing is not possible—and when it is—and when eating, taking a shower, and sleeping.

Utah residents’ only complaint about the order is that the costumes are too large to hang in your rearview mirror.