Provo, UT—With all the recent rainbow clad LGBT demonstrators on BYU’s Provo campus many straight students are feeling unwelcome and unsafe. “Transferring schools has become a real possibility for me,” says John Steward a Sophomore who likes girls. “There’s just not a very Christian atmosphere anymore, you know? I don’t like having to walk by all these raucous demonstrations that conflict with Biblical ideals.”

Another student, Robynne Simpson, says she is thinking about transferring schools out of fear of destruction. “I just don’t want to be around when the brimstone hits the fan,” Simpson says.

But transferring schools can be difficult—and expensive. “I have to pay $6 to send my BYU transcript to another school,” Simpson says. “I understand this is a matter of life and death, but I ate at Little Ceasars this week and no longer have the funds necessary to transfer schools. It would be nice if there was some kind of scholarship for people in my situation.”

The cost of various transcript options from BYU’s Registrar Office website.

Luckily there is such a scholarship. Sympathetic benefactors have put together a fund for students just like Steward and Simpson. To qualify for the scholarship a student must meet two criteria: They must be transferring from BYU and must be verifiably straight.

An obvious question arises: How does one verify his or her straightness? The members of the scholarship board have put together a solution. Prospective awardees of the scholarship must submit to a polygraph test. Men are shown pictures of women in lingerie and asked if they like what they see. Women are shown pictures of shirtless men vacuuming and opening stubborn jars of jam. Affirmative answers that pass the lie detector test will qualify the students for the $6 scholarship.

One of the many men who decided to take a polygraph test to see if they qualify for the scholarship. Oddly, less then 1% of men who pass the test actually decide to transfer schools. This has prompted the scholarship board to ask: “Why do so many men want to take this test anyway?”

Steward, who is considering leaving after this semester, was elated when he heard about the scholarship. “I’m glad the help is out there,” he says. “Now I can finally afford to go to a school that’s more respectful of my values.”