Salt Lake City, UT—”Good stuff!” remarked President Donald Trump about his shopping cart full of Deseret canned peaches and other goodies on his visit to Welfare Square last December.

President Barak Obama visited the Beehive State in 2009 and received a five volume, leather-bound set of his family’s history; Donald Trump got potato pearls. “No I’m not sorry I didn’t get a family history,” said President Trump when questioned about the seeming disparity in the value of the gifts, “I look forward to eating mashed potatoes and drinking hot cocoa when I get back to Air Force One.”

President Trump tries hard to decide between canned corn and green beans. His food order only allows for one.

“Besides,” Trump continued, “Obama is the last guy who should want a family history from the Mormons. These people do family history like better than anybody you’ve ever seen. They probably found something Obama didn’t like.” To date, the former president has yet to reveal the contents of his family history.

After the visit to Welfare Square President Trump stopped by the Utah state capitol building to announce the reduction of two of Utah’s national monuments: Bears Ears and Grand Staricase-Escalante. This action has made the sitting president unpopular to many Utah voters who vowed to vote for Trump again in 2020, but even more begrudgingly than last time. “I stand with Bears Ears,” said one Utah blogger, “but I refuse to tell my children who I voted for in 2016.”

“I will never forget my visit to Utah,” said President Trump, “Really, it couldn’t have gone much better. I spent four hours in the state, didn’t see Mitt Romney, and I left with a shopping cart full of food usually given to poor people.”

The president has no plans to return to Utah.